How to Win Friends and Influence People -- Dale Carnegie -- ****

How to Win Friends and Influence People

TOP 5 IDEAS:

1. Talk about what others want and show them how to get it. The only person who really cares about what you want is you.
2. Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most people don't want to change their minds.
3. There is a reason the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that hidden reason.
4. Criticism is futile because it makes people try to justify themselves.
5. The initialisms:
DRTLKAPT: Eight ways to get the most out of a book
BALLSIBTDTGT: Twelve ways to win people over to your way of thinking
CTBAGPLUM: Nine ways to get people to change
DDDRGBP: Seven ways to get the most out of your home life
Honorable mention: Dominance Diplomacy

A $25,000, two-year study was commissioned to find out what adults really wanted to study. The primary result was health; the secondary, people.

Criticism is futile because it puts a man on the defensive. It makes him strive to justify himself.
Often, a wrong-doer will blame everybody but himself.
Never a bad word.

"If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I'll tell you what you are. That determines your character."
-- I feel important when I'm: learning, being appreciated for my skills, successful, trusted, being unreasonably egotistical, winning, making something, taking care of something, battling

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn from him." -- Emerson

Talk about what others want and show them how to get it. The only person who really cares about what you want is you.

My popularity, my happiness, and my income depend largely on my skill in dealing with people.
My popularity, my happiness, and my income depend largely on my skill in dealing with people.
My popularity, my happiness, and my income depend largely on my skill in dealing with people.


Eight ways to get the most out of a book:
1. Desire
2. Reread
3. Think
4. Learn by doing
5. Keep a diary
6. Analyze your actions
7. Pay for violations
8. Take notes

A study was conducted to find out which word was most frequently used. It turned out to be the pronoun "I".

"Why should people be interested in you unless you are first interested in them? Reach for your pencil now and write your reply here."
-- they know me by reputation and want something I can give
-- I'm doing something compelling or interesting
-- that's pretty much all I can think of, actually

If an author doesn't like people, people won't like his stories.

Become genuinely interested in other people.

You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.

Smile. A man with a smile is always welcome.

Remember that a man's name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

Encourage other people to talk about themselves. Listen to people wholeheartedly; they crave attention.

Talk in terms of the other man's interests.

Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

-- his divorce statistic back in 1936 was 1 in 6



The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most people don't want to change their minds.

-- he recommends the autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, which I've read and posted notes on

Show respect for the other man's opinions. Never tell a man he is wrong.
-- be diplomatic, not combative

If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

Begin in a friendly way.

Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

Some people can't be sold. You have to let them buy.
-- I can be sold, but if I didn't buy into it, I'll change my mind later or never buy again

Let the other man do a great deal of the talking.

"The best way to convert him to an idea is to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it -- to get him thinking about it on his own account."
Let the other fellow feel that the idea is his.

Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize, then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way!
There is a reason the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that hidden reason.
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
-- sympathy = attention = validation

J.P. Morgan observed that a man usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good, and the real one.
-- I'd heard this before, nice to hear it again

Appeal to the nobler motives.

Dramatize your ideas.
-- use visual aids, predictions of the future, make the ideas interactive

The story of Charles Schwab and the mill: he says nothing, writes a 6 to reflect the team's productivity on the floor, then watches it get changed to 7 and 10 by successive shifts

Every successful man loves the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his worth, to excel, to win.
Throw down a challenge.


Twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking:

Begin in a friendly way.
Appeal to noble motives.
Let the other man do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other man feel the idea is his.
Show respect for the other man's opinions. Never tell a man he is wrong.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
Dramatize your ideas.
Throw down a challenge.
Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.




Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

The story of Charles Schwab and the cigarette-smoking employees: instead of showing them the no smoking sign above their head, he gives them cigars and says he'd appreciate it if the cigars were smoked outside
Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Let the other man save face.

Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.

Give a man a fine reputation to live up to.

Use encouragement. Make the actions you want the other person to take seem easy.

Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Bestow titles with attached responsibilities.
If you won't do a thing, immediately change the subject afterwards.



Nine ways to change people without offending or arousing resentment:

Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Give a man a fine reputation to live up to.

Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
Let the other man save face.
Use encouragement to make change seem easy.
Make the other person happy about following your suggestions.


Seven ways to make your home life happier:
"When he was eighty-two years old, Tolstoi was unable to endure the tragic unhappiness of his home any longer. He fled from his wife on a snowy October night in 1910 - fled into the cold and darkness, not knowing where he was going. Eleven days later, he died of pneumonia in a railway station. His dying request was that she should not be permitted to come into his presence."
-- WHOA
Don't nag!!!
-- I think nagging comes from people needing validation and a feeling of importance
-- I think nagging can be stopped if, every time it happens, the behavior is pointed out, a better way to phrase the request is suggested, and the nagger is given an emotional minus by the nagee

"Success in marriage is much more than a matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of BEING the right person."
Don't try to make your partner over.

"Gladstone, a formidable enemy in public, never criticized at home. When he came down to breakfast in the morning, only to discover that the rest of his family was still sleeping, he had a gentle way of registering his reproach. He raised his voice and filled the house with a mysterious chant that reminded the other members that England's busiest man was waiting downstairs for his breakfast, all alone. Diplomatic, considerate, he rigorously refrained from domestic criticism."
-- diplomatic and considerate are not words I would use to describe the kind of douche who'd rather wake up his entire family by yelling at them than fix his breakfast himself
Don't criticize.

"Most men when seeking wives are not looking for executives but for someone with allure and willingness to flatter their vanity, to make them feel superior." -- Paul Popenoe, Director of the Institute of Family Relations
-- I think I fall into that category, but then again, having an executive wife would flatter my vanity and make me feel superior

"Men should express their appreciation of a woman's effort to look well and dress becomingly. All men forget, if they have ever realized it, how profoundly women are interested in clothes. For example, if a man and woman meet another man and woman on the street, the woman seldom looks at the other man; she usually looks to see how well the other woman is dressed."
-- What in the world? Is this true? I'll have to ask...
Praise women's attire and efforts.
Give honest appreciation.

"The American home really needs a few more vices. Breakfast in bed, for instance, is one of those amiable dissipations a greater number of women should be indulged in. Breakfast in bed to a woman does much the same thing as a private club for a man." - Gaynor Maddox
"Trivialities are at the bottom of most marital unhappiness. A simple thing like a wife's waving goodby to her husband when he goes to work would avert a good many divorces." -- Judge Joseph Sabbath.
Pay little attentions.

"No woman can ever understand why a man doesn't put forth the same effort to make his home a concern as he does to make his profession a success. . . not one man in a hundred ever gives any real serious thought or makes any honest effort to make his marriage a success. He leaves the most important thing in his life to chance, and he wins or loses according to whether fortune is with him or not."
-- When someone who's not self-aware runs into opposition, they instinctively start battling for validation and control. If they're battling someone similar, you see something awesome: their selfish impulses start acting as checks and balances on each other. Since neither of them is really getting what they're after, the only way they can keep from hating each other is to develop a kind of dominance diplomacy, where the loser in a given situation has to figure out a way to get the winner to do what he wants.

-- DOMINANCE DIPLOMACY is a rad concept, I am glad I invented it

Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.
-- man if it that didn't come naturally I don't think a book on the subject would help me out unless I gave it to my wife
-- actually it could work if I let her catch me reading it

Don't nag.
Don't try to make your partner over.
Don't criticize.
Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.
Give honest appreciation.
Be courteous.
Pay little attentions.