-- I thought of a great technique for getting out of fights: the "reasonable alternative". As soon as you're physically threatened, you suggest another, more reasonable course of action for the other guy and keep the focus on the issue. Should work.
Five steps to conflict resolution, simplified:
- Detach
- Give the other guy the benefit of the doubt
- Get more info about the problem
- Assert your interests and needs
- Find common ground for a solution
Win/Win compromising is mentioned - this book should be all right.
When violence rears its head, consider how much you have to lose and how much you have going for you.
Imply that someone isn't meaning to offend you and they can save face.
Don't lose your dignity or niceness.
Uh-oh, there's a passage in here on movie etiquette where the author says a person has every right to take seats in a movie theater that are being saved for friends. That would start a conflict rather than end one: I'm not failing my friends because someone doesn't respect the concept of seat-saving. Anyone who takes that attitude will have their movie ruined if my friends and I don't find another place to sit before the movie starts.
-- threatening to ruin someone's experience is a really effective threat, should you run into the kind of conceited individual who doesn't understand common courtesy even after it's been explained. Also, I don't think people would consider it hostile enough to respond with violence.
Taking their quiz, I'm not very "hot button" prone (though I knew that) and, according to them, probably don't need the book. "The daily conflicts in your life are usually defused before they have a chance to touch your health. You know how to express your own feelings and needs in a way that does not threaten others or your own sense of well-being. In fact, your calm often helps chronic button-pushers find some calm in their own lives."
"But have you told the truth? Are you sure?" -- Yes.
-- the "teach a man to fish" advice should be mentioned to resolve any conflict dealing with dependencies based on ineptitude: give the guy a fishing pole and withdraw enough support that he learns to feed himself.
-- This is off topic, but the only way leftovers are an acceptable meal is if I have foreknowledge of, and agreement with, their being served as a meal.
From a quiz: "Your best friend says: 'I can't stand your always being late. I can't believe you're so inconsiderate and selfish.' You would probably say something like:"
-- WHERE'S ANDREW WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM
Five basic conflict resolution styles:
Avoider: Put the situation in their face and give them easy ways out of it.
Slash-and-burner: Don't be intimidated. Let him know his being unreasonable is in neither of your best interests, then give him a reasonable alternative.
Peace before disharmony: Don't let him start thinking he's a martyr or that he's taking one for the team. Find out what he wants, then pin him as close to that as possible. If he starts swerving from THAT, use the avoider strategy to make him realize that the only way he can keep the peace is by keeping his word.
Problem solver: Compare perceptions of the problem, then find a win/win solution.
Emo: Wait for him to stop venting before trying to affect change. Don't trivialize his emo attitude, either, as all emos think themselves serious business.
"Think, when you are enraged at anyone, what should happen if he should die during the dispute." - William Shenstone
Empathize, question, paraphrase.
-- The only way to win an argument is to prove you're right. Any argument where that's impossible is worth abandoning as quickly as you can.
"Put brain in gear before putting mouth in motion"
-- In teaching how to respond to criticism, the book doesn't say word one about just brushing off the amateur analysis through self-confidence. What they say is opinion, and since opinion can't be proven, it's not worth arguing over.
"Children have more need of models than critics." - Joubert, French philosopher
-- Men have a whole series of traditions in place for conflict-resolution. Privilege rotation (you go this time, I go next time), coin-flipping, seniority, the white flag, etc., all cool.
-- I'm going to start skipping the "fake people! fake fights!" sections.
Don't ask kids why they do anything: instead, ask what happened, etc.
-- This is good advice. "Why" triggers "Justify". People's reasons for doing things are often different than their stated ones. I'm going to consciously avoid the word "Why?" when interrogating people.
-- you can get a lot of information regarding people's motives from what they expected to happen when they did something.
"Child analysts report that 99% of most aggressive, angry behavior reflects troubling things that are going on in the child's life."
-- I laughed at this one. You can't attach a percentage to an undefined quantity -- what the hell is 99% OF MOST?
"You ought to get some professional help if your child often . . . breaks rules."
-- HALP I NEED A PROFESSIONAL, MY CHILD BRAKES TEH RULES
People often have different definitions of a concept than you do. Use standardized terminology to avoid conflicts. Instead of "afternoon", say "2:00", etc.
"Many women have been taught from the cradle that discord and quarreling are wrong. Although women have been allowed greater latitude in this society when it comes to expressions of affection and love to their friends, the open expression of fury is almost taboo. We tend to avoid conflict, and then our submerged rage leads to unspoken manipulations that can wreck a friendship."
-- People who avoid conflict are probably not good at handling it when it comes up, but I'd much rather a woman told me what was on her mind than take some kind of weird action against me.
friend test score: 232, 8 points shy of being the "best" friend - I am "a good but not legendary friend". The legendary friend expects more of his friends and trusts them more with his weaknesses and secrets than I do. I'm not sure what to say about that. I don't ask much because I don't need much and I don't want to be disappointed. I don't say much because I don't want my friends thinking about my weaknesses. Secrets? Not part of my friendship with most people. I keep my distance, don't volunteer anything, don't ask questions that don't need to be asked. Why? I don't really know. Probably the old idea that if they don't need to say it, I don't need to hear it, and vice versa.
Top Ten Button-Pushers Between Friends
Tries to control the choice of movie or restaurant
Is habitually late for appointments
Cancels dates indiscriminately
Doesn't like your partner, and shows it
Becomes scarce when trouble arrives
Tells you what to do without being asked for advice
Betrays confidences
Doesn't return calls
Carries grudges, can never forgive
Doesn't do what he says he'll do
Four pairs of (non-exclusive) communication styles:
Linear/Circular: I was going to say that that circular speakers were just flat-out bad at talking to people, but then I realized they can probably tell pretty good stories.
Plain-spoken/Vague: Vague people don't like to make commitments. The best way to deal with them is to do things with or without them.
Take-turns/Interact: Take-turns people don't interrupt, interact people interject their own thoughts into the other person's speech. As an interact, I suspect take-turns people are too polite for their own good.
Big picture/Detail-oriented: Life calls for both. Whenever I can, I start out with the big picture, then work down into the details.
Five principles to deescalate anger:
Avoid double standards. It's easy to attribute your own behavior to a situation and attribute your friend's to a shortcoming.
Know your role. Did you miss something?
There are two sides to every coin.
Try to find solutions.
Acknowledge the part you played.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry... NOT"
-- fortunately, there is something that means never having to say you're sorry: necrophilia
Don't say "I forgive you, but..."
When two of your friends fight, stay out of the line of fire and stay loyal to both.
Emphasize collaboration whenever possible
"Social norms prevent most people from telling other people, "You stink at this."
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